Slaying inner demons
by Jinxgirl
Summary: Post Revelations, Buffy and Faith try to deal in their own ways with their hurt and end up experiencing more than they expected.
1. Chapter 1

Currently untitled

Chapter 1

Author notes: This takes place post Revelations (as in immediately post) third season. Sort of a non-magical, more sober version of Want beer.

Faith found herself staring at the door to her motel room, as if expecting it to re-open at any moment, even though it had been nearly ten minutes since Buffy had turned and exited through its paint-chipped entryway. She was still holding her magazine in her hands, though she had not glanced down at it for some time now, and had never been looking at it seriously in the first place. That had been a way to make it seem like what she had to say, that what had happened between them, didn't matter…

And it didn't, Faith told herself fiercely, her lips pressing together into a thin line unconsciously. It didn't matter… it was her fault anyway, for thinking that things could possibly be different. She knew better than to even hope that, let alone wish that it were true… so why the hell had she?

You don't need anyone, Faith told herself, and when this wasn't enough to unloosen the knot tightening in her heart, to relax the tension of her tautly pulled muscles, she told herself again, deliberately making herself slump against the rickety bed's wooden backboard. You don't need anyone…you've got you, that's all you've ever had, and it's all you'll ever need. That's what you told B, and it's true. You know that… you've always known that.

You can't trust anyone… that's where you fucked up here, thinking maybe it could be different this time, that maybe you could. You know better… it's your own damn fault for trying to think it didn't have to be like that. You know it does. And it's not like it fuckin' matters…it's not a big deal. You get along fine by yourself… better than fine. You don't need anything else…you don't.

Faith sighed slowly, more deeply than she had intended to, her troubled thoughts and emotions leaking out audibly into that exhalation. Angry at herself, she clinched her jaw, and her grip on her magazine tightened until the tips of her fingers turned white. She crossed her nearly bare legs, clad in her cut-off, homemade shorts, then uncrossed them, finding herself suddenly unable to sit still. She was beginning to feel more and more on edge, as if something were creeping through her veins in a slow, maddeningly itching way that made her want to run… or maybe just scream. Her eyes stung suddenly, and Faith sucked in another sharp breath, grinding her teeth together. This was NOT a big deal, it was NOT a big fucking deal…so why the hell was she acting like it was?

She needed to get herself together… no, she needed to get OUT of here. If not out of town, then at least out of the room… she needed to get some kind of release, a distraction. Something to make her shake off all this shit she never should have been feeling in the first place.

Faith stood up abruptly, tossing her magazine to the floor. Going to her dresser and pulling the battered drawer open so hard that it came out on the floor with a crash, she pulled out a slightly rumpled, skin-tight black tank top and the pair of leather pants her klepto ex-boyfriend had stolen for her. Stripping with jerky impatience out of her current shirt and shorts, and yanking them on, she applied darker eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick as quickly as was possible without smearing it all over. That finished, she barely spared time to glance at herself in the mirror before pulling on her knee-high boots and striding rapidly toward the door… a door that she still owed the manager huge sums of money for, thanks to Kakistos and his costly replacement he'd made necessary. Hell if she knew why, it was just as flimsy and shitty as the old one…

Opening the door, she let it slam behind her, knowing and not caring that if she did it too hard it would probably fall off its hinges, cheap as it was. As she began to stride down the sidewalk, she didn't care that it was the middle of the day, that she had no money, and at fifteen, was both too young to legally drink and also did not even have a driver's license, faked or not. None of that mattered…Faith knew she would have no problem getting drinks bought for her, and she had not problem using the tactics it would take to get that accomplished. All she could think of as she strode towards the Bronze was how badly she wanted this, even needed this…

She could almost taste the alcohol already, feel it course through her veins, lending her warmth and temporary happiness, a rush of energy and adrenaline that she craved. She could already hear the music, feel the beat pounding against her as she moved not with it, but against it in fierce opposition. She could feel the bodies pressed up against her ass, erections through tight jeans, hands moving over her hips and breasts, and she needed this, needed some kind of release… she needed _that_ kind of release.

Faith slunk her way through the entrance, sidling up to the side of the first man she saw standing alone and sliding her arm around his waist. Looking up at him and speaking to him coyly, she ignored his sloppy grin, ignored the clinching of her heart. This was what she wanted, she told herself, this was what she needed. This was ALL she needed…

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Buffy had not been able to feel even the slightest bit at ease since she'd left Faith's motel room. Okay, scratch that, since Gwendolyn Post had been turned into bacon by the Mygheon glove's power, and Faith had realized the depth of her betrayal of her. Buffy had seen the shock in Faith's eyes, the deep hurt and sense of anger and pain when the woman spoke to her. It had been obvious to her that Faith cared about her, had trusted her, and that she had been deeply wounded by her use of her… and by what she had seen as Buffy's betrayal.

When it was all over, and the sickening smell of the woman's burnt flesh hung in the air, Buffy had turned toward Faith…but the younger Slayer would not even meet her eyes. Without saying a word, she had turned and strode off at a rapid pace. And Buffy had no stopped her…she had not even tried to, as badly as she felt. There had been other things to take care of, things that Buffy had quickly told herself were more important… but also, she had to admit that she simply had not known what to do or say, or even how to attempt to try… and she didn't want to try.

And so after everyone had re-grouped, all except for Faith, that is, and talked together about what to do now that they all knew Angel was back, Buffy had found herself still thinking about Faith, still remembering the look in her eyes when Gwendolyn Post had called her an idiot, laughing in her face… she remembered the extreme tension of her posture as she left them, the expression on her face so deliberately blank that it told volumes about her emotions. Unable to get her image out of her mind, Buffy had finally gathered the nerve to go to her, to apologize, try to start things over…

And it had flopped majorly. Looking at her, at the awful jaded blankness of her eyes, the way she held herself so defensively, even as she tried to display toughness and indifference, had made Buffy lose track of everything she meant to say, able to concentrate only on how guilty and uncomfortable she felt then. Oh, she had apologized, or tried to… but somehow her words had come out sounding insincere and awkward even to her own ears.

And Faith, of course, had simply shrugged them off. Buffy had known looking at her that she didn't believe her, let alone accept what she was saying. But still, it had hurt Buffy to see the younger Slayer looking at her stonily, as she told her coldly that she didn't need her… that she was the only person on her own side.

Buffy knew that Faith believed what she was saying, that, as cold as she sounded, she wasn't trying to hurt her by her rejection so much as protect herself from being hurt. But still…hearing her tone, seeing the flat, hooded gaze of her dark eyes, Buffy had felt her pride squash down in her chest, and she had left soon after, giving up nearly as soon as she had started. She had felt Faith's eyes on her back as she turned toward the door, and she could sense strongly the other girl's emotions, even without her saying a word, and in spite of her efforts to conceal them. Anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, fear…and a desire that outweighed it all, a wish for Buffy to turn back, to try harder. Buffy had felt this, knew this…

And yet she did nothing. She continued to walk out the door, leaving Faith to sit alone in her shabby motel room, even as her guilty wistful thinking knotted itself tightly in her stomach…

Ever since she had tried to forget her, tried to distract herself from thoughts of Faith…even thoughts of Angel and the others' anger and frustration with her was preferable. But it hadn't worked… nearly two hours had gone by now and she still could not stop picturing her rigid features as she sat on her bed, hearing the hardness to her tone as she told Buffy that she was the only person she would ever need. She couldn't stop herself from replaying in her mind what had been said, over and over, wondering what she could have done differently, what she should have said instead… and surely she could have done something differently. Surely she could have made this better, somehow…

Buffy had found herself sinking into a moodiness and anxiety that she didn't understand, but knew could be traced almost entirely back to Faith and what had gone on between them. Trying to deny this to herself only made it seem even more prevalent in her mind. Eventually she had found herself heading out to walk alone, presumably to slay…but the truth was that she wasn't exactly looking too hard for demons and vampires. She was basically trying through her constant movement to bleed off some of her thoughts and worrying, to clear her head…

And why was her head so crowded anyway? Yeah, the day had been upsetting… yes, the scene with Faith, not to mention physically fighting her for the first- and hopefully the last- time had been frustrating, and she was worried about her… but why was it all that Buffy could think about? Of course she cared about Faith, she didn't want to ruin the friendship they'd been building, or hurt her…but still…why was she so upset over this, to the point where she could think of nothing else?

And yet even as she asked herself this, Buffy realized that she wasn't actually wanting to answer this… for some inexplicable reason, she didn't want to know…

And for yet another inexplicable reason that she didn't question too closely, she found herself, quite without planning to, standing before the Bronze, then walking inside. She couldn't quite make sense of this either… she had originally wanted to be alone, and yet she was going to the Bronze, with all its people and music and noise and movement? But regardless she found herself stepping inside, as if drawn there…

Almost immediately she realized why she had come, whether subconsciously, because of who she figured might be there, or else maybe as an unrealized side effect of their Slayer bond… whatever the case, she was here now, and so, as probably everyone in the entire place was aware of by now, was Faith.

It would have been quite clear to Buffy that Faith had been drinking even without the beer bottle currently clutched in her hand. She was dancing, as Buffy would have expected, occasionally lifting the bottle to her mouth to take a long swallow before going right back to her intense gyrating with the three or four guys surrounding her, all of them rather close in their dancing, and apparently not too shy with their hands.

As Buffy stood back toward the doorway, watching Faith with a strange, equal parts sad and frustrated feeling pressing itself in her chest, she found her eyes zeroing in on exactly where the guys were putting their hands on Faith, and where she was with them…which was pretty much everywhere. Her dancing was loose, wild, and though she was laughing and grinding herself against them, letting them touch her and rub against her, Buffy had the impression watching her that she was suddenly going to fly apart, scattering into little pieces… and in Sunnydale, this thought could literally be a legitimate concern.

Though Faith was laughing, returning their touch and then some, seeming to be having the time of her life…seeming not at all bothered about the day's earlier happenings, or thinking about anything at all but the present…Buffy's insides cramped with worry even more than frustration with her. Surely this wasn't a healthy way of dealing… surely Faith wasn't as okay with all this as she was quite literally trying to make out…

Buffy stood there for a good ten or fifteen minutes, letting her thoughts run rapidly through her mind. She couldn't even consider leaving, nor could she look away from Faith…nor could she bring herself to approach her. She just stood there and watched as Faith's movements grew ever looser, almost sloppy, as she began to stumble on her feet, until it seemed that only the guy's groping, sweaty hands seemed to be keeping her upright. Buffy watched her have two more beers and knew she should say something…but she just stood there, feeling utterly helpless…and jealous. It made no sense, but she felt jealous…envious….

Of what? Of who? Why? Not Faith, surely…I know you're not jealous of Faith when's she's out there getting trashed like that, practically whoring herself out to those guys…

But you're not jealous of the guys either… are you? Why would you be jealous of THEM?

You're not jealous…you're, you're irritated. Yes, that's it, you're irritated… because, because Faith is doing this, she's being stupid like this…

Doesn't she realize I'm here? Doesn't she sense me through the Slayer bond thingy? Is she just ignoring me? Then again, maybe she doesn't sense me or see me… as much alcohol is in her now, she's probably seeing double of everything, and all blurry too.

When Buffy glanced back at Faith again, she realized with a little jolting that the brunette was no longer dancing… in fact, she wasn't moving much at all. Her eyes were only half open, her head hanging loosely so that her hair hung partly in her face, and her limbs suddenly looked heavy, clumsy. She looked awful, and paler, Buffy realized with some alarm that surprised her in its intensity. Like she was about to puke, or pass out…

It took her another second to realize that Faith was moving again, but not of her own decision and execution. Two of the three guys had taken hold of her and were dragging her outside, opening the side door that led to the alley, with the other two following close behind. Faith was not fighting them or protesting, by any means, but neither did she look as if this was an idea of her own initiation… in fact, in the state of mind she currently seemed to be in, Buffy doubted she could in fact initiate anything like what they seemed to have in mind. Which was what, exactly?

Buffy's eyes narrowed, her senses sharpening as she watched Faith and her companions closely, how they were half dragging, half pushing her towards the exit. She didn't like this… for some reason, watching it made her upset, almost angry…it was entirely irrational, she told herself hurriedly, Faith was a Slayer, she could take care of herself…

But then again, maybe not. She certainly had been drinking more than she should, enough, probably, to impair her defenses and reflexes- and her thinking. She barely even been able to keep her eyes open, to walk…and these guys, they didn't give off the vampires vibe, but they COULD be…or they could be wanting to harm her in other ways. Maybe they were monsters or demons of some kind, wanting to take out a Slayer while she was weakened…or even just regular guys, wanting to hurt her or take her. There's no shortage of those in the world either.

With that thought Buffy lurched forward hurriedly, her heart suddenly beating faster. Trying to push aside the vivid images suddenly bombarding her mind, visuals of just what they might want from Faith, what they might try to do to her, she pushed past people, tables, and chairs, just trying to reach them, to stop them if and when needed, before it was too late.

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

Slaying inner demons (thanks for title Lupo  )

Chapter 2

Author notes: This takes place post Revelations (as in immediately post) third season. Sort of a non-magical, more sober version of Want beer.

She was out in the alley within twenty seconds, only a short while after the four guys and Faith…and immediately Buffy saw that she had been right to follow them. They were standing against the alley wall diagonal from her; two of the men were holding onto Faith, pinning her against the wall by her wrists and shoulders in a way that, from their leering expressions and quick breaths, and Faith's still glazed, half open eyes and limpness of limbs, seemed hardly a consensual arrangement to Buffy. she wasn't sure that the brunette was even fully conscious, fully aware of what was going on…

While the two men were holding her against the wall, a third one hung back a few feet away, watching and grinning… and a fourth one was half crouched before her, his hands roaming roughly over her breasts and stomach. He was talking to her, sneering as if she were an animal, or worse.

"That's right, chick, just close your eyes…you might be a little whore, but you feel so good I don't really give a shit…and don't worry, I'm a generous guy. I'll let the others have a turn…"

His hands moved down to Faiths' crotch, fumbling for her zipper as she continued to slump against the wall, not replying or moving to either encourage or slap him in any manner. He had only pulled it down about three fourths of an inch, however, before Buffy was upon him.

Coming up behind him and seizing him by the shoulders, Buffy ripped him away from Faith, throwing him across the alley so that his back hit the wall hard, and he gasped, his knees buckling so that he just barely managed to keep from collapsing to the ground. Buffy strode over to him rapidly, slamming his back against the wall once more, and pinning him there by his shoulders in much the same way that the two friends were holding Faith. Shoving her face close to his, she glared at him fiercely the rage and adrenaline she was feeling strongly coloring her features.

In more normal circumstances, or even at a different time, when she could step back and think about the situation, she would have been astonished at herself to realize just how infuriated she was. Her blood was pulsing heavily in her veins, making her entire body seem to be nearly aching, tingling with her desire to hurt the guys before her, to make them feel the pain and humiliation they seemed to get off on trying to inflict on females… particularly ones who seemed defenseless.

Particularly FAITH…

An even more intense flash of anger rolled through her at that thought, and Buffy tightened her grip on the young man's arms to the point where he screamed in both pain and shock at the strength of the hold of the small girl before him. A little thrill of satisfaction ran through her at this, and she gave him a rough shake, barely conscious of the gaping of the three men behind her.

This man had wanted to hurt Faith, to possibly rape her, most likely when she was so out of it that she'd forget the entire thing the next day, or else convince herself that it was she who was the initiator. He was going to hurt her, to use her, and then the other three would have as well…

Pain stabbed through Buffy's chest in sharp jabbing, almost as strongly as her anger, as another thought came to her mind. How many times had this happened before with Faith… how much of her bragged, cocky tales of her sexual conquests were in reality much more similar to what was happening here?

"You're a generous guy? Well, I'm a generous girl," Buffy spat as she continued to glare into the guy's wide, frightened, and incredulous eyes, tightening her hold on him even further. "That's why I'm only going to beat on you a while instead of castrating you…"

With that announcement made, she punched him in the nose, sending blood nearly immediately squirting out from it. As the guy made a high-pitched noise in pain, Buffy hit him a few more times in the torso, holding back from giving him internal injuries, but she was still fairly certain she heard a few ribs crack. As the guy tried to slump out of her reach to the ground, Buffy yanked him back up, tossing him over to the guy who had been standing slightly apart from the other three. He almost dropped him, still gawking at her with a clear showing of disbelief. The two men holding Faith against the wall were staring too, their mouths open, with astonishment and near panic in their eyes. They seemed almost to have forgotten Faith; their focus was entirely on Buffy.

Faith, however, Buffy saw, had come slightly more alert; she had raised her head, blinking her eyes as if trying to clear their blurriness, and she frowned, still seeming too out of it to be functioning very well.

"B?" she said raspily, slowly, and Buffy wondered if she was just now realizing that she was there with her.

"Yes," she told her in a gentler tone. Then, looking at the other two men still holding her against the wall, she hardened her tone considerably.

"If you don't want what happened to him to happen to you, I suggest you let go of her. NOW."

They did so almost immediately, which caused Faith's knees to buckle slightly as they both moved aside hurriedly. As she stumbled, almost falling, Buffy moved forward quickly to hold her up. She wrapped a strong arm around the younger girl's shoulders; as Faith half slumped against her heavily, Buffy could strongly smell the alcohol on her breath, seeming to be emanating from her pores directly. Mixed with her strong perfume and an added scent of cigarettes, it was not a very pleasant odor…but because it was Faith's, somehow it didn't seem so bad. Depressing, yes… but it didn't' make Buffy want to wrinkle her nose in disgust, as she might with another, for some reason.

Holding Faith upright, she gave the others a death stare that made all four of them, regardless of nearness to her or physical state at the moment, go slightly pale and twitchy, unable to meet her eyes. The tone she used to speak to them in was so icy they practically felt the frost coming from her mouth.

"If I ever see any you around here again, and especially near another girl, then I will gladly give you some makeshift plastic surgery I guarantee you will never forget. Do you understand me?"

All four of them nodded hurriedly, like the anxious cowardly bastards they were, Buffy thought bitterly. She could see that blood was streaming steadily down the beaten man's face where she had hit him. The man holding him up was doing so with ginger unease, clearly not liking the task. He kept glancing nervously from his beaten, moaning friend to Buffy, as though fearing he were next in line of her fists.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Buffy asked them as they stood there, not speaking, not daring to look even at each other, let alone too closely at her or Faith. "Get the hell out of here!"

At that the men wasted no further time in scampering away, seeming grateful to have been let off the hook so easily- too damn easily, now that Buffy thought about it. She should have knocked around all four of them, not just the one… who was escaping much more slowly than the others, having been dropped by his supporting 'friend' like a hot potato once given command to go. But they were gone now, and she doubted they'd have the nerve to come back any time soon- or the pride.

And besides, Faith clearly needed her help right now whether or not she wanted or would ever ask for it. She was drunk, she had almost been molested or raped or whatever it was they had been so close to carrying out…and on top of all that, or maybe behind all that, was all the other drama of the day as well. There was no way Buffy was going to leave her alone right now, eve if it was to chase down and beat on her would-be rapists.

Adjusting her arm around Faith's waist more securely, Buffy turned her head to examine her with a frown. She didn't look hurt, but her eyes were still slightly unfocused, if getting more clear than before, and they were bloodshot, her lips slightly parted. Her body against Buffy's was limp, heavy, her limbs clumsy, and as Faith turned her head to look at her, Buffy felt her warm breath hit her face, still smelling strongly of alcohol.

"Uh-oh…B's maaaaad," Faith said, her words slightly drawn out, and something about her tone simultaneously made Buffy want to hug her and to slap her.

"Damn straight I'm mad, Faith," Buffy said tightly, giving her a little shake. "Why would you drink that much? How old are you anyway- how did you get all that beer?"

"I'm old enough…to know when to…get the stick outta my…ass…" Faith muttered, her words running together slightly, and her eyes half closed for a moment as she took hold of Buffy's arm, tightening her fingers around it. "Old enough to know..how to find…fun…"

"Faith, that didn't look like you were having fun," Buffy said forcefully, trying to look into her murky dark eyes and finding it almost impossible to do so. Not only because Faith was turning her face away, but because she didn't really want to see what might be reflecting back at her from their depths…

"Faith, they were going to have sex with you," Buffy continued, having to force the words from herself and having a hard time not flinching or letting her voice crack as she did. "They were going to have sex with you, all four of them, and I kind of got the feeling that it wasn't your idea. They were going to RAPE you, Faith, don't you understand that?!"

Faith's head whipped back towards her sharply then, and even as uncoordinated as the alcohol made her limbs, Buffy felt her muscles tensing considerably under her arms. The look on her face made her suck in her breath quietly, for its defensive, angry overtones nonetheless cld not entirely hide the flash of shock and fear Buffy had seen.

"They were NOT gonna fuckin' rape me!" she snapped, and though Buffy could still hear a slightly inebriated undertone to her voice, she was passionate enough now to sound almost entirely sober, even if she was still far from it. "They were NOT…gonna…rape me! NO ONE rapes me! I rape THEM…nobody rapes ME…you don't know what the hell you're talkin' about…no one can fuckin' rape me…"

Buffy stared at her, stunned by the fierce heatedness in her tone, even in spite of Faith's intoxication. And yet in spite of her overt anger, she had also seen the near panic in her eyes…a flicker of darkness that Faith had forced away almost as quickly as it appeared. Buffy could hear her breathing growing louder and faster, felt her heartbeat quicken dimly through their Slayer bond, and she knew suddenly that Faith was afraid. Why she was now, of all times, Buffy didn't know or understand… but she was almost certain now that she was.

Maybe Faith had been more aware of what had been going on then Buffy had thought while those men had her… maybe she had somehow froze up, sort of like she had with Kakistos when she'd first come to Sunnydale. Maybe she was just now starting to come out of that mindset… and in either case, she had been drunk enough to not exactly be coherent in her thinking and actions.

Adjusting her arm around Faith once more, attempting now to transmit emotional as well as physical support, Buffy looked at her softly, gentling her tone as she addressed her again.

"Faith…it looked to me like you could barely stand up…you still can barely stand up. It wasn't right for them to try to do that to you…you don't have to-"

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Faith interrupted, and the slur had returned to her voice, even as the defensive tone remained. "Can too stand up…get off of me…no one did nothing, I wanted… get offa me…"

She tried to push Buffy's arms away, but Buffy tightened them, keeping her upright and close to her.

"No. You're drunk, Faith, and you can barely walk- I'm not letting you go off alone when you're like this."

"Not drunk," Faith snapped, her voice rising, and she shoved at Buffy's arm, though with considerably less coordination and strength than usual. "Five by…five. Let me go…"

"Faith, you ARE drunk!"Buffy shot back, her patience flickering badly as she kept hold of her, trying to keep her upright without hurting her or letting her break away. "You're talking like you're drunk, you smell like you're drunk, and I would say that you're walking like you're drunk, except that even standing is an issue for you now!"

"I am NOT!" Faith said hotly, even as she half closed her eyes, seemingly dizzy a she leaned back against Buffy…or maybe nauseous. Ohhhh she BETTER not puke, Buffy thought anxiously, if she pukes, then I'm gonna puke. She just better not puke…

"Just 'cause you're a lightweight… don't' mean I can't drink…" Faith was muttering, not trying now to move away from her. "I can handle it…know what I'm doing…"

"Oh, it looks like it, all right," Buffy retorted, irritated, even as sympathy, even anxiety for Faith, twinged in her chest…and extreme anger at the man who had tried to take advantage of her. Faith was acting like it was no big deal…but it WAS a big deal, it was a very big deal! They were going to hurt her, they were going to use her, and she was acting like she didn't care, like it never happened, or didn't' happen like it actually had. And now all she seemed to care about was arguing with Buffy that she wasn't drunk, when she soooo clearly was!

"Faith, why the hell would you get yourself into a situation like that?!" Buffy blurted before she could think to alter her words, make them gentler. "How could you drink that much, where you wouldn't even know what was going on and be able to defend yourself well? God, how could- they were going to hurt you! You let yourself get to the point where _humans_, not even demons, could get to you! How could you put yourself in a situation like that?!"

"Didn't put myself…in anything," Faith muttered back, and a sly tone crept to her voice. "Guess he wanted to put…something in me…instead…"

"That is NOT funny, Faith!" Buffy exclaimed, staring at her in shock. How could she talk like that?! How could she act like that, knowing what Buffy had seen- knowing what had been about to happen to her? How could she just shrug it off, make JOKES about it?!

"Is too," Faith said, giving Buffy a lesser version of her usual cocky smirk as she stumbled, trying to walk without breaking away from Buffy. "Just 'cause you're so uptight…still funny. Still…"

"Come on," Buffy interrupted her tightly, her jaw clinching, and she began to propel her forward from the alley, still keeping a supportive arm around her and tightening it when Faith shuffled, knocking her feet together clumsily. "Let's get you back to your room. And I'm staying with you tonight, since you obviously can't be trusted to look after yourself…"

"Can too," Faith muttered, and she sounded like such a petulant child that Buffy would have been amused, were she not so worried and upset…and angry.

How could Faith act like this?! How could she drink that much, how could she let that happen o her- and how could she not even be upset now, or angry, or- how could she be JOKING about it?!

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Slaying inner demons (thanks for title Lupo  )

Chapter 3

Buffy didn't' say anything for a while as she continued to tow Faith along as quickly as was possible while half dragging, half carrying her. But she could not shake off her strong feelings, could not shift her thinking elsewhere. How could she be so flippant about this- and how could she not take care of herself any better than that?! Yeah, it had been a long, hard, hurtful day, but there was no excuse for that- there was no-

Her thoughts built up faster and faster in her mind, and before she knew it Buffy was snapping at her again, without having intended to. She looked down at her despite the awkward angle it required as she continued to take her back towards her motel.

"Faith, you can't drink like that! It's dangerous! They could've slipped something in your drink- did you leave it alone?! It's DANGEROUS! If you don't watch it, you're really going to get hurt some day doing that, by a vampire, if not a person! Do you think they'd care if it was a fair fight, if you were alert and sober or not? NO! NO, they just see, 'oooh, Slayer, kill her!' If humans can get to you like that, a vampire definitely could! Faith, you've got to think! Next time you're in a situation like that, someone might not be around to bail you out!"

Buffy felt Faith's loose muscles tense against her before she ever spoke, and she knew her response was going to be far from submissive and agreeable. Faith's words were still uneven, slightly fuzzy, but the bitter anger behind them was clear.

"You don't have to fuckin' tell me, B, I KNOW…I know...I fucked up! I'm a fuck up… I know that…can't do nothing right! My fault…everything's my fault….look at Faith the Fuck Up, it's her fault. Keep telling me, 'cause I don't KNOW that, B…"

Buffy knew then that she had gone too far. Yes, she was upset, yes, she was angry…but Faith wasn't ready to be reasoned with, to be lectured. Now was not the time… no matter how stupidly she had acted or how frustrating she was behaving now, she didn't need to be railed at now.

"Faith," she said more quietly, trying to see her eyes again as she kept moving with her, taking her down the darkened street. "It's not your fault they wanted to hurt you. It was your fault you drank enough that they'd be able to… but it wasn't your fault that they wanted to. You understand that, don't you?"

She paused, trying to read Faith's expression and getting nowhere with that- the other Slayer's eyes had glassed over in a way that looked to Buffy as if it was deliberate. Could she really do that at will- had she been doing that earlier, with the men? Was she not nearly as drunk as she seemed?

"Faith…" Buffy tried again, trying to speak gently. "You don't have to do that, you know… you don't have to get that drunk. You don't have to-"

"Yeah I do, B," Faith interrupted, and what struck Buffy was not her words, but how suddenly serious she sounded saying them…how sober. "I really fuckin' do."

Buffy had no idea how to respond to that, what to say. It was obvious that Faith believed what she was saying…

And now the guilt was kicking in even stronger, along with her worry. Was all this over what had happened with Gwendolyn Post… what had happened between them? Or was there more to it… was that just a small part of what had made Faith feel the need to behave so self-destructively?

She didn't know…and now, she wasn't sure she even wanted to. Not saying anything back to Faith, she just continued to lead her away, not knowing what else to do, even as her mind sput with her uneasy, still vivid thoughts.

By the time they reached her motel, Faith was leaning on her more heavily than ever, her eyes starting to droop closed once more, her muscles relaxing again. Buffy continued to support her in one arm as she opened the door, using the key she had dug out of Faith's tight pocket (way too tight for Buffy's comfort), and helped her inside, setting her gently on the bed. Faith slouched hover where Buffy set her, lowering her head slightly and letting her arms lie limply in her lap. She had been quiet the rest of the way back, and after Buffy made a call to her mother, explaining with rather vague wording that she was going to stay the night with Faith, she looked over at her with a little frown of concern. The brunette didn't look well, on so many levels…

"Faith? Are you okay?" she asked, going to stand before her. "You're not going to throw up, are you… or pass out or something…"

God, Buffy hoped not. Not only because that would be bad for Faith, which it was, of course, she told herself hurriedly, but because she wouldn't know how to handle it. Well, okay, she'd know what to do. Clean up the puke, and she'd seen Giles unconscious enough by now to know what to do about that…but she wouldn't know how to DEAL with it…

To her relief, Faith shook her head faintly, her eyes half closed in a way that made her look about ten seconds away from belying her own claim.

"No…need to sleep," she muttered. "Need sleep…"

Still watching her with a little frown, Buffy regarded her for a few more moments before going into Faith's small, not exactly luxurious bathroom. It took her a few minutes, but she finally scrounged up a cup and some aspirin. Filling the cup with water, she took four pills and carried them in the bedroom to Faith, who had already lay down, her eyes closed. Buffy shook her shoulder gently, and her heart squeezed strangely when Faith's eyes opened in little slits, not seeming too pleased.

"Sit up a second, Faith, take these… you're going to feel horrible in the morning, maybe these will help a little."

When Faith didn't respond, Buffy sat her up herself, handing them to her and waiting until she took them. After she had, Faith lay back down, curling into a ball as she closed her eyes once more. Buffy sat down beside her, just looking at her… she wanted to be annoyed with her, to be angry, but she couldn't be. Looking at Faith scrunched up in a near fetal position, her eyes closed as tightly as she could make them, Buffy just wanted to hug her… and again, she wasn't sure why.

Inching a little closer to her, Buffy leaned toward her face. She wasn't quite touching her, not even her body, but she was hovering near her almost nervously. She felt a need to talk to Faith, to try and nail down where they stood with each other… or at least begin to.

They needed to deal…both of them, they needed to deal with what had happened. Look at what not dealing had gotten them…when Buffy walked away from Faith, and Faith refused to hear her out…

And however she might try, Buffy really couldn't lay much blame on Faith. Yes, she could blame her for drinking…but everything else? It had been Buffy who had lied and snuck around about Angel, however good her reasons. It had been Buffy who had not made Faith understand before exchanging blows with her what was really going on. Buffy too had been fooled by Mrs. Post…and it had been Buffy who left Faith alone in her hotel room, because her pride would allow her to do nothing else…

As all these reluctant admittances of her own fault in the matter began to run through her mind, Buffy made up her mind quickly. Maybe Faith wasn't in the mood or mind frame to hear this now, but she still had to say it. She still had to try…

She reached to lay a gentle but solid hand on Faith's shoulder; when Faith didn't react, she kept it there, speaking to her quietly, but loud enough for her to hear.

"Faith…I wanted to apologize to you…about all that Gwendolyn Post stuff… I'm sorry it went like it did."

Faith didn't say anything, showed no overt signs of having heard her…but Buffy saw a muscle in her face tighten and knew that she had. Sighing slowly, she tried again, not altering her tone, not trying to either touch her or move her any closer.

"Faith…are you listening to me?"

No response…but Buffy could tell from the speed of her breathing that she was not asleep. Whether drunk or not- and she was definitely still drunk- Faith was also awake, and listening…

Knowing that this was probably not the least time or place to talk to her, and also that Faith would most likely not say a word in response, Buffy nevertheless tried again to speak to her.

"Faith…I really am sorry about everything," she said slowly, sincerely. "I'm sorry for fighting with you…I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt you…and I'm sorry about Mrs. Post. What she did…she didn't just fool you, you know…"

She paused, still watching Faith's face carefully; the other girl was holding herself way too still to not be suspicious about it.

"I know she hurt you," Buffy said softly. "But what she did…you know she would have done it to anybody, don't you? It wasn't anything to do with you personally… it was just because you didn't have a Watcher. If I'd been the one without a Watcher, she would have done the same thing to me."

She paused again, then said gently, realizing suddenly what had made Faith recoil the most at that time, "Faith…what she said to you, about you being an idiot…you know it's not true, don't you? She said that to hurt you…but you know it's not true…"

She looked at her closely again, trying to see if there had been any change in her expression. "Faith? Faith…are you listening to me?"

As she regarded her, Faith's features tensed slightly, even as her eyes remained shut…and then what looked like a shiver passed over her expression, and there were tears leaking slowly from under her tightly closed eyelids…

She didn't make a sound, didn't try to move away…she just lay there, eyes closed, as soundless tears made their way down her face. Looking at her, Buffy almost started to cry herself. She had never seen Faith cry before, and she suspected that only her intoxicated state was giving her the dubious honor today.

Well maybe it would allow for other things that were usually strictly out of the question too… maybe…

Slowly, carefully, Buffy moved to the other side of the bed, climbing to be on the other side of Faith, the side that was her back. For a few more moments she just gazed down at her, indecisive, anxiety and empathy stirring strongly within her…

And then she lay down slowly, her front facing Faith's back. She didn't try to speak to her, or hug her…that, she figured, would be way to familiar and forward even in Faith's current state. Instead, she rested a hand on Faith's back, directly between her shoulder blades. She didn't try to rub her or pat her too much…she just kept her hand there, a solid physical reminder of her presence, and closed her own eyes, still concentrating on holding back her own strong emotions.

As time passed, Buffy could hear Faith's breathing slow and knew she had fallen asleep. She continued to lie there, still touching her back… and though she was not drunk, she had a feeling that if she ever did go to sleep, that she too would wake up feeling hung over…

End

Author notes: again, not too satisfied with this story, but it was in my head so I scribbled it down.


End file.
